{"id":261,"date":"2022-09-12T17:26:21","date_gmt":"2022-09-12T07:26:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/?p=261"},"modified":"2022-09-12T17:26:21","modified_gmt":"2022-09-12T07:26:21","slug":"composition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/?p=261","title":{"rendered":"composition"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

self-awareness<\/strong>\u00a0is the experience of one’s own personality or individuality<\/p>https:\/\/www.merriam-webster.com\/dictionary\/self-awareness<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Discussions regarding personal identity typically aim to determine the necessary and sufficient conditions under which a person at one time and a person at another time can be said to be the\u00a0same<\/em>\u00a0person, persisting through time<\/p>https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Personal_identity<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

i don’t fully understand why i spend so much time trying to work out who or what i am. it doesn’t make a practical difference to how i live my life. i don’t need to understand who i am in order to go to work every day. but the fact i don’t know still bugs me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i have spent much less time than usual on this bullshit journey of self discovery due to the fact i’ve been working 9 hour days (10.5 if you include travel) and also now have a child therefore i’m constantly tired and lacking my normal amount of brainpower well, moreso than usual<\/s> so i’m no closer to an answer than i was a year ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

maybe it’s simply the lack of an answer that’s frustrating me. maybe it’s the fact that i don’t know what to tell people when they ask about me, about who i am. yeah sure i can give the standard bullshit about my hobbies (surprise surprise, those are boring and basic too) but who am i beyond what i occupy my free time with?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

am i a good person doing bad things, or a bad person doing good things?<\/p>Dexter Morgan<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

my brain doesn’t work properly all the time. i keep promising to change things about myself or my actions and at the time i entirely mean it, but somehow i end up drifting back. i want the people around me to have the best of their situation and to always have the capacity to improve the things they don’t like. sometimes i feel like i’ve just woken up for the first time in months, as if someone else was living my life and i look back on my actions and curse my past self for being a fucking idiot. i hope the best for the people who have left me behind, and whom i’ve left behind. when i was younger and people would ask me why i did something, a lot of the time i wouldn’t have an answer. half the time when i see a dead animal on the road, i apologise to it in retrospect\/say a half-hearted pantheistic prayer for it, because i know it didn’t have the capacity to understand the danger of going near the road and so what happened to it was not its own fault. half the time i can’t even give an honest straight answer about how i’m feeling today, because there’s so much going on inside my head and i can’t sort it into piles and go through it to arrive at a conclusion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i think the only description of myself i can put any faith in is “an imperfect machine, made from salvaged broken junkyard parts, held together with duct tape, chewing gum and good intentions”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i wonder how my friends would feel about that description.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

self-awareness\u00a0is the experience of one’s own personality or individuality https:\/\/www.merriam-webster.com\/dictionary\/self-awareness Discussions regarding personal identity typically aim to determine the necessary…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-261","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life","category-mental-health","wpcat-2-id","wpcat-3-id"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/261","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=261"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/261\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":264,"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/261\/revisions\/264"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=261"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=261"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=261"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}