i am a liar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i have been a liar for as long as i can remember. probably even before that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i don’t feel good about it, but i don’t regret it either. i know i probably should.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
but i don’t, because there are so many situations that have been solved or improved because i have lied to people. so many times i’ve gotten myself out of… or occasionally, into… something i shouldn’t have, something that ended up benefiting me or other people close to me. sometimes even people not close to me. sometimes it just seemed like the better outcome. the easier outcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
but the problem with that concept is by lying, i’m unintentionally elevating myself over the other person. i know something they don’t. i’m putting myself in control of the narrative, because then i have the power to tell them the truth when it suits me, or to solve the problem first to avoid anyone being mad at me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
why lie? avoid a difficult conversation, buy myself more time to fix my own fuck up (or maybe someone else’s), sidestep a problem that would have been told by telling the truth? or maybe it’s just easier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i’ve also heard it’s a form of escapism. that i don’t like the truth, so i lie to avoid it. given i’ve invented and roleplayed entire people before, that is probably more accurate than i’d like it to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
it’s sort of ironic that someone with ego\/self worth\/self image issues like me would rely so heavily on something that puts me in a position of power over others. it’s like i’m saying i<\/strong> know better, so i<\/strong> should be in control of the situation, fuck what you think or feel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n maybe i do see myself as superior to others. smarter, quicker. maybe i need an ego check. maybe i need to #humblemyself. guess i’ll never know.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" i am a liar. i have been a liar for as long as i can remember. probably even before that….<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,3,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-319","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life","category-mental-health","category-musings","wpcat-2-id","wpcat-3-id","wpcat-4-id"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/319","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=319"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/319\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":402,"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/319\/revisions\/402"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=319"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=319"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.eiphax.tech\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=319"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
maybe i just feel safer being in control.
maybe i’m just a little kid crying in the corner of my own head who wants to feel better… or at least to not feel worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n