or; the tragedy of the forks: part 2
i know i’m stuck in the past. and i don’t want to be. but i don’t know how not to be.
it almost feels like i can see myself later in life looking back at these years and thinking i’ve been an idiot. so even in the future, i’m stuck in the past.
all things considered, i had a very tame adolescence. i wasn’t popular enough to go out with everyone else… or go in, as it was at the time. i didn’t get invited to the (questionably legal at best) insane house parties nor to the equally insane bar nights. i don’t think i snuck out of the house to go somewhere i shouldn’t even once. so i spent most of my time fucking around on the internet as a substitute for proper social interaction. this is a habit i’ve carried forward into my adult years (hello discord).
i didn’t get to dress up. or dress down. show off a bit. pretend i was more buzzed than i actually was. argue (or flirt) with strangers. get into a fight.
i did get backyard fire nights with a smaller circle of friends. and game nights. sometimes. i did still have some social experiences. but i still feel like i missed out.
i didn’t move out of my mother’s house until i was in my mid 20s. i had been to school, uni, working, etc, and all living at home. i never got that ‘college experience’ that apparently everyone else gets, of living on campus (or at least away from home) and “finding yourself” through alcohol, awkward engagements, sorties through various bars, extracurricular clubs and casual sex in between all the things you’re actually meant to be doing.
i tried to make up for it by staying late in the common study spaces until i got kicked out because they closed, but guess what i did? fucked around on the internet because i didn’t really know how to be social, and i felt unliked and unlikeable. bit of casual sex, bit of alcohol misuse and learning what my limits are, sure… but i guess i missed out on all the rest too.
i did get to travel to vietnam and japan, mostly bankrolled by my mother, which most other people didn’t. so there’s that. maybe it’s a matter of trading experiences. lose one, gain another.
as i’m typing this, i’m sitting in an office on friday afternoon. i’ve been working a corporate job for over three years trying to make ends meet, which are two positions i never thought i would be in – struggling payslip to payslip, and in a corporate job for more than six months.
and do you know what me sitting here nine hours a day (plus 2 hours of travel) means? i’m missing out on my daughter growing up.
feels like my whole life is just going to be a string of missing out on things.
You know, reading about your missed opportunities or activities, makes me almost feel like you wanted to say you should’ve done all those things on principle, because it would be “normal” for the specific stage of your life, but I like to say there are no normals or unconditional should haves in one’s specific life – you should not have done those things IF (here’s the condition) at the time you felt you wouldn’t enjoy them; as much as you shouldn’t IF it would put your or your fam’s wellbeing at risk while doing them. And time works both ways for activities, you can still experience most of them IF you really want to. It is your life your experiencing and you shouldn’t measure up to others. They’re living theirs, you’re living yours. Time spent at work may draw you away from experiencing some details and events of daughter growing up, indeed, but what you get instead is not missing the ability to provide and support her growing up. I feel that’s more than worth it and you should feel proud of yourself for doing it.