everything about my life has changed, and it seems like such a mess. the crueler part, though, is that it’s been a mess for years and years. factually speaking my life is probably the most ‘together’ it’s been since ever. it seems like there’s chaos underlying all the stability.

I haven’t made it through uni yet. I was meant to be doing a bachelor of arts. don’t even really know what I was going to be majoring in. I’ve always had issues with my mental health, and for the longest time I didn’t have the words to describe what was wrong. now I know I have issues with adhd, depression, anxiety and huge problems with executive function disorder. all of this really showed up while I was at uni, and it meant I flip flopped between breaking my brain trying to learn things and complete assignments and tasks, and spending 13 hours straight playing league of legends on my laptop in the common study rooms because it meant I didn’t have to be at home with my mother.

so from that, you can get a rough idea of what most of my life has been like. now, I work nine hours a day, take care of my house and my now pregnant wife, manage all the financial and compliance obligations like bills and registrations and plan the next steps in both our lives… well, all three of our lives now. always trying to keep ahead of the next issue, the next problem, the next twist in the plot.

it’s so exhausting. I don’t have time to just… stop. when I was younger I didn’t have money, means, or space to myself. now I’m older and I have the space and the means, but not the money or the time.

it feels like everything is holding together by a thread, and I’m just barely fixing the fraying before it snaps.

that or, my whole life rests on thin ice. and climate change is going to make that situation much more complicated.

so what’s next?

Author: eip

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