to my therapist

dear anonymous,
it’s been a while since i’ve spoken to you. nobody’s fault, of course, and i know you operated slightly outside your scope of practice for me, and i’m thankful for that.

i remember i wrote down this website on the back of one of your contact cards, and gave it to you before i left our last session. i actually didn’t even tell you what it is or what it’s for. i wanted to ask you to check it from time to time, because for some reason i wanted you to read this, but i couldn’t find the words to ask you. and more than that, i didn’t want to obligate you to remember me. but some stupid part of me hopes you did.

which is selfish, i know. it’s selfish of me to hope that you wonder how i’m doing, because i was far from the most important thing you had to deal with, between you literally doing your job and everything else that was going on in your life. but that’s the fun thing about emotions, isn’t it? they rarely make sense. and i experience an awful lot of emotions. so there’s an awful deficit of sense.

i’ve kept up with my medication. it seems to have levelled me out a bit. i almost can’t remember the last time i wanted to kill myself.

almost.

but something i said to my fiancée when she was suffering through some stuff keeps coming back to bite me in the ass. “sometimes, better is enough.” and i’m trying to apply that to myself. which is hard sometimes. i had a long conversation with her about how our lives have changed since i started this new job (btw, i got a job.) and how i actually feel guilty that i have forced our lives to change since i got it. she told me that she can’t forgive me for it because i haven’t done anything wrong, and the person holding me accountable for this is myself.

which, of course, is true. (she’s very good at being right.)

but even though i know she’s right, i can’t shake the guilt. i did something that a) she wanted me to do, b) i needed to do and c) is advancing our lives, all of which are good motives to fulfil, yet i feel guilty for doing it because it’s changed how things are.

and it’s changed the way i support her in her life and in her times of need. and i feel like it’s maybe my fault that she hasn’t been coping well lately.

and she told me i am wrong.

for once, it’s nice to be wrong.

anyway, i’ve gotten a bit off topic here. what i was really trying to say, was thank you. i couldn’t have started again on this new path without your help. i don’t know if you will ever read this, but if you do, please know that you have been a part of my recovery up until now, and however much further i get, it started with you.

so… thanks.

-eip