i don’t know how to put myself together.
i didn’t really know that i had to, until someone pointed out the pieces.
i used to wonder why everyone else seemed so functional, so that really should have given me a hint. i didn’t pick up on it. i didn’t pick up on a lot of hints.
i used to spend my time in school when i was younger bashing my head against brick walls. i know a lot of people use that as a metaphor, but i mean it literally. i would sit next to my desk and slam my head into the wall over and over again. during classes. and it wasn’t the kind of “pls give me attention” gentle headbutt that you may be imagining, it was a full on whack. to this day i don’t know how i don’t have brain damage. maybe i do. maybe that’s my problem.
i remember some of the teachers i had would try to convince me to stop, and i just wouldn’t. maybe i couldn’t. i don’t really remember. i do remember the dull thud each time. i do remember one teacher in particular (i feel bad for her) tried to get me to stop a few times during one class, and i just wouldn’t, and she threw up her hands and gave up, and left me to smash my head into the wall for the rest of the lesson. so that’s exactly what i did.
i remember when i used to play tennis… my mother paid for me to get tennis lessons. because i liked tennis. i tried to be good at it. but i got frustrated because i wasn’t good enough. there was this “tennis weekend” once, where we had everyone from the club come in (rather than coming in once a week for their usual lessons) and we had a sort of community day. this one coach, nice young guy, probably 20 something, kept trying to help me improve my serve. for some reason, i still don’t know why, i got the shits and told him to stop telling me what to do.
surprise surprise, my serve did not get better.
i remember i played a doubles game against some other girl… she was waaaaay better than me, always had been. it was some kind of a just for fun tournament, i don’t know how i ended up against her. her partner and my partner may as well not have existed. i was laser focused on this girl. i wanted to beat her. i wanted so badly to win. and i did not. we got decimated. so what did i do? instead of focusing and trying to play better, i got the shits and intentionally started hitting the balls so hard they got stuck in the fence on the opposing side of the court, so my team would lose faster. and i was screaming at this poor girl, ‘are you happy now? did you get what you wanted? are you happy?’ nobody knew what to do with me. everyone was quiet. all the other games just kept going. my parents were quiet. the girl couldn’t look me in the face. but i couldn’t win, and and i wouldn’t quit, so i just lost faster.
my past, what little of it i can remember outside the fog that constantly occupies my head, is full of things like this. little bits of stupidity that i bring with me everywhere i go. little bits of me, that have made me who… and what… i am. little things i regret, little things i wish i didn’t do, little things i wish i could take back. little lessons i’ve learned, or not learned. little pieces of the puzzle that is me. and i don’t know how to put it together. and it frustrates me.
i think i’m mad at myself. i think i blame myself for not having done better, for not having known better. for not having tried more. i think i’m mad at myself for not putting the pieces together better. i think i’m mad at myself for ruining all the things i ruined. i think i’m mad at myself because i don’t like the person i am, and i don’t know how to do that.
and one of the many, many, many, many reasons i love you is because… somehow… you let me forget that. you let me forget that i hate myself. maybe with enough time you can teach me to like myself.
but for now i’ll settle with forgetting.
ignorance is bliss, even if it is only temporary.