desperation

by extrapolation, i am the product of a million million stars exploding and planets knocking into each other like marbles. i am the product of space glitter carried by asteroids and meteors swung around the universe by gravity and smacked around like pinballs hitting table features.

by extrapolation, i am the product of a million million cycles of blood, bones, death and rebirth. i am the lynchpin of an inconceivable web, each cell that is me tracing its history uncountable years into the past, each thread winding forward here, through consumption, distribution, decomposition, to me. for now.

each tiny part of me did not originate with me. every molecule that i am is borrowed, transformed, stolen from somewhere or something else.

what goes up must come down. what is borrowed must be returned.

every minute my heart beats is a minute more i am stealing from the earth. when my body gives up, and the dirt reclaims me, my debt will be settled.

until then, i struggle on. even though my blood wants to feed the grass and my skin wants to nourish the trees, i persist. the ground screams quietly at me, commanding my borrowed parts back into itself. but i continue.

each breath is defiance of the end. each second is desperation against the inevitable.

but i am tired. so, so tired.

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