at the current stage of my life, i seem to be losing time. or maybe more accurately it’s passing without me noticing.
the most obvious indication for me that a week has passed is that i have to put the bins out for collection again.
the most obvious indication that a month has passed is that i need to refill my morning meds containers. yes, i’m twenty something, and i have little pill container things to organise my morning meds. am i turning 80 next year?
the most obvious indication that a year has passed is usually my birthday.
everything else seems to just blend into sameness. wake up, struggle my way through getting ready, argue with traffic on the way to work, spend nine hours working (and some of it “””working”””), go home, dinner, sleep, repeat x 5, use the weekend to recover from having just done that, then do it again.
somewhere in there, throw in clothes washing, dishwashing, house cleaning and tidying, and trying to have a good and fulfilling relationship with my wife and child.
time isn’t just passing, it’s fucking flying by. and i don’t like it. i have so much to do, and i’m running out of time to do it because all the time i do have is spent waiting.
when i’m at work i’m waiting to be at home. when i’m at home i’m waiting (without anticipation) to be at work again. i can’t spend money on the things i actually want because there’s bills this week, so i’ll just have to wait until next week, and then the bills will be paid and i can use my money differently (nb: this never actually happens, there are always bills to pay). every part of my life is just fucking waiting, or waiting in order to wait for something else. and it feels like such a waste.
the concept of ‘just go out and do it and stop waiting’ seems impossible, because i don’t think i can control about 90% of the factors that are making it necessary for me to wait.
i feel like that bunch of rubber ducks that got thrown into the devil’s kettle waterfall. no fucking idea where i’m going or why but nothing makes sense and i don’t see a way out.