self-awareness is the experience of one’s own personality or individuality

Discussions regarding personal identity typically aim to determine the necessary and sufficient conditions under which a person at one time and a person at another time can be said to be the same person, persisting through time

i don’t fully understand why i spend so much time trying to work out who or what i am. it doesn’t make a practical difference to how i live my life. i don’t need to understand who i am in order to go to work every day. but the fact i don’t know still bugs me.

i have spent much less time than usual on this bullshit journey of self discovery due to the fact i’ve been working 9 hour days (10.5 if you include travel) and also now have a child therefore i’m constantly tired and lacking my normal amount of brainpower well, moreso than usual so i’m no closer to an answer than i was a year ago.

maybe it’s simply the lack of an answer that’s frustrating me. maybe it’s the fact that i don’t know what to tell people when they ask about me, about who i am. yeah sure i can give the standard bullshit about my hobbies (surprise surprise, those are boring and basic too) but who am i beyond what i occupy my free time with?

am i a good person doing bad things, or a bad person doing good things?

Dexter Morgan

my brain doesn’t work properly all the time. i keep promising to change things about myself or my actions and at the time i entirely mean it, but somehow i end up drifting back. i want the people around me to have the best of their situation and to always have the capacity to improve the things they don’t like. sometimes i feel like i’ve just woken up for the first time in months, as if someone else was living my life and i look back on my actions and curse my past self for being a fucking idiot. i hope the best for the people who have left me behind, and whom i’ve left behind. when i was younger and people would ask me why i did something, a lot of the time i wouldn’t have an answer. half the time when i see a dead animal on the road, i apologise to it in retrospect/say a half-hearted pantheistic prayer for it, because i know it didn’t have the capacity to understand the danger of going near the road and so what happened to it was not its own fault. half the time i can’t even give an honest straight answer about how i’m feeling today, because there’s so much going on inside my head and i can’t sort it into piles and go through it to arrive at a conclusion.

i think the only description of myself i can put any faith in is “an imperfect machine, made from salvaged broken junkyard parts, held together with duct tape, chewing gum and good intentions”

i wonder how my friends would feel about that description.

Author: eip

1 thought on “composition

  1. Based on my limited knowledge, I would describe you more of an overworking peep that cares deeply for the people you love. Also, you go out of your way to help people even through all the responsibilities you have to take care of first. I’m sure you’re not the only one who hasn’t figured themselves out. I like to think I’m whatever my girlfriend helped shaped me to be but I don’t know what exactly that shape is. I’m just glad I feel like I’m someone thanks to her.

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