liar

i am a liar.

i have been a liar for as long as i can remember. probably even before that.

i don’t feel good about it, but i don’t regret it either. i know i probably should.

but i don’t, because there are so many situations that have been solved or improved because i have lied to people. so many times i’ve gotten myself out of… or occasionally, into… something i shouldn’t have, something that ended up benefiting me or other people close to me. sometimes even people not close to me. sometimes it just seemed like the better outcome. the easier outcome.

but the problem with that concept is by lying, i’m unintentionally elevating myself over the other person. i know something they don’t. i’m putting myself in control of the narrative, because then i have the power to tell them the truth when it suits me, or to solve the problem first to avoid anyone being mad at me.

why lie? avoid a difficult conversation, buy myself more time to fix my own fuck up (or maybe someone else’s), sidestep a problem that would have been told by telling the truth? or maybe it’s just easier.

i’ve also heard it’s a form of escapism. that i don’t like the truth, so i lie to avoid it. given i’ve invented and roleplayed entire people before, that is probably more accurate than i’d like it to be.

it’s sort of ironic that someone with ego/self worth/self image issues like me would rely so heavily on something that puts me in a position of power over others. it’s like i’m saying i know better, so i should be in control of the situation, fuck what you think or feel.

maybe i do see myself as superior to others. smarter, quicker. maybe i need an ego check. maybe i need to #humblemyself.
maybe i just feel safer being in control.
maybe i’m just a little kid crying in the corner of my own head who wants to feel better… or at least to not feel worse.

guess i’ll never know.